To all of you matchmakers out there:

There are certain traits that you need to warn people about when describing a potential match. One of these is a FACIAL TIC or SPASM.

Granted you may not want to scare off a potential date but having that creep up on you and then happen continuously is soooo not cool.

It's really hard not to laugh when this happens and you are not prepared for it.

We have fraud in common........

I was once at a concert with some friends at Irving Plaza. I want to say it was Idan Raichel or Matisyahu or something similar. Anyway, I was enjoying the concert, dancing, having a couple drinks and my friends saw some people they knew. Not all too shocking considering the Heeb nature of the show. I, of course, ended up chatting with some Brooklyn hocker guy within the group, who I thought was the bees knees.

The whole group ended up hanging out at the show and then moving the party to our friends' apt a few blocks away, since they have roof access off of their apt.All seemed fantastic at this point and I had no reservations when my BK hocker asked for my number.

We spoke on/off for a week or two via text and phone and made a date for 2 weeks later, since I was travelling for work.

Day of the date arrived and I was all excited, until we met up and I realized that for some reason I remembered him being wayyyyy better looking. But, we had had a bunch of great conversations, and I didn't want to be rude so we proceeded with our date.

He made reservations at La Marais, so I knew this was gonna be a long date. As is normal for a date, the topic of what each of us did for a living came up to which I responded that I was a fraud investigator, and described what I do. (RED FLAG ALERT) When I finished telling him what I do, he proceeded to tell me about the types of schemes and frauds he and his boss do. Like "hey, you investigate fraud, that's amazing, cause I commit fraud! We should totally go out again!" Really, buddy? Really?

So we finished dinner, finally, and he wanted to go somewhere else. I made up some excuse to go home and (RED FLAG ALERT) on my way home he called and left me a voicemail asking me how he could go about wiping a hard drive to cover something up.

IDIOT!

Have you ever heard of Capitale?

So this is an oldie, but a goodie. By far, the worst dating experience I have ever had... and I've had a few.

It all starts with my grandmother. She calls me up to tell me that she has heard (not seen, not met, but heard) about a terrific guy from one of her friends. No doubt one of her friend's grandsons with many "wonderful" qualities. She tells me that she arranged for him to get my phone number and he will call me.

I tried to explain that she has to run things by me first. That I don't just go out with a "bris and a pulse" and that she can't just give my number out. Thankfully, the guy didn't call and I thought I had made my point. Clearly, I did not.

A while later, I got another call from my grandmother who tells me about a lovely law school dropout who is the grandson of a friend. She tells me that now that she has run it by me, she will give him my number. You don't know my grandmother, but when she says things like this in a certain tone of voice, arguing is pointless. I tried and I failed. He was calling.

It was about a week before the beginning of my first-year law school exams (ironic, right?) and he calls. He introduces himself in the thickest Brooklyn accent you have ever heard. The beginning of the conversation went something like this (Please read his part with a Brooklyn accent, the parentheticals are my thoughts):

Him: "Hey, it's ____. My grandmother told me to call you. " (Oh, crap)

Me: "Oh, hi. How are you?"

Him: "I'm ok. I never do things like this. This is so weird."

Me: "If you're uncomfortable, it's ok. We don't have to go out or anything." (Please, please don't ask me to. You sound horrible.)

Him: "I'm only calling because my grandmother made me and I don't want to upset her." (Wow, awesome)

Me: "Well, like I said, we don't have to go out or anything." (Please let me out of this gracefully)

Him: "It's not like I even talk to my grandmother or anything." (Wow- what a catch) [BTW- this line I remember distinctly. You don't forget a line like that.]

Me: "I'm about to start finals. How about this: If you want to go out or talk, call me around Christmas and we can figure it out. If not, just let me know what you want me to say and I'll say it. If you want me to tell my grandmother we went out and you're a great guy, but not for me, I will do it."

Him: "How do I know you can pull that off?" (OMG! He's insane!)

Me: "Don't worry about me. I can pull that off."

Him: "I don't know... I don't want to insult my grandmother..." (Is this the grandmother he never speaks to? Also, why is he suddenly interested? Because I'm not?)

Me: "Like I said: If you want to go out.... if not...."

This went on for a few minutes and I won't bore you with it, but in the end I finally got him off the phone.

Evan though I told him to call around Christmas, around two weeks later, the phone rings. I ask him why he's calling so soon and we get into a minor argument about when I told him to call back. Then this prize asks me out. I decide to go to just end this and appease my grandmother and arrange to have him pick me up on a Saturday night so I could at least get a ride into the city... minor upside.

He picks me up, he's not great and the conversation is horrible. He takes me to a decent restaurant though and I think I can get through this. I should have realized how bad it was going to be.

Among the highlights:

1. He asks me if I have ever heard of this new club "Capitale". Even though I tell him that I had been there (and in the VIP room) the prior week, he insists on going on and on about how his friend owns or runs it and desribing it in detail. I must have said, "I know, I was there" about ten times.

2. He is so rude to the waiter that I act overly polite and apologetic to the staff. He then asks me why I am saying thank you and please so many times. When I tell him that I am trying to be polite, he explains that in order to be polite, you only need to say it once or twice. Wonderful lesson in etiquette. Thank you, Date.

3. He complains about law school and how horrible it is and explains at length why he's so glad he left. Did I mention that I was in law school at the time?

4. Whenever I asked about his job he goes (remember your heavy Brooklyn accent please): "It's business, it's business" and waves the questions off with his hand. Then he tells me about Capitale again.

5. When I return from the bathroom he asks me how many girlfriends I called to talk about the date. Ok, so I called one and bitched, but who wouldn't?

And here comes the best part - when we leave and I'm so hapy to be going he wants to show me a surprise. Despite my fierce objections, he drives in the opposite direction from my apartment. I'm freaking out and thinking I'm being kidnapped when he pulls over somewhere downtown. I look up and I see - CAPITALE! He says, "see, this is what I was talking about." I yell, "I KNOW, I WAS THERE LAST WEEK."

The end. Of my story and the relationship... tear.

milk

I once went on a date with a guy who suggested that we meet at starbucks. ok, not so creative for a date but that is fine. He had gotten there before me and had ordered a cup of milk. no cookies, nothing else, just milk. "I am not really a coffee person" he said. Um, so why did you choose starbucks?

Then he spent the rest of the night telling me that his isn't gay.

Lizards in Paris

During a recent solo trip through Europe, I came across an outdoor concert near Hotel de Ville in Paris. It was about 10pm and after a lovely meal of onion soup I was ready to return to my hostel and go to sleep. I was approached by a fellow in French, which I don't speak, and we had a sort of conversation in his broken English. He asked if I wanted to go to the concert, I replied no, I was tired, and he told me to call him. Um, we don't speak the same language. SO I gave him my email address.

The next evening he wrote to me, and we arranged to meet up the following evening. So we meet up, and start to walk. and walk. and walk. Now, I love walking, and Paris is the best place for it. but two hours later I was like "is this guy going to take me for a drink?" He kept on pointing out restaurants and bars and saying how good they were. OK. But no, we kept walking. At this point it was already 9 pm and I was starving.

Before I know it, he is like "oh. look, we are outside my apartment. Come up and meet my cat." I refused. He asked again, and was like "come up for five minutes" and I was like "uh. ok" like a big dumbass. To his credit, he didn't lay a finger on me.

While he was in the bathroom, I did a little looking around, and noticed plastic bins on his bookshelf. There were about five of them. and inside? LIZARDS. He collected lizards. Many of them. Creepy. And he wanted me to hold one.

In any case, I insisted we leave, and then guess what? we walked and walked some more. for another TWO HOURS. I was like truly what is the deal with this guy? We found ourselves on the banks of the Siene, and sat in a hammock. Such a romantic scene, right? No. He was the worst kisser in the history of kissing. Tried to swallow my head whole. Gross.

So he walked me back to the hostel, and asked to see me again the next night. So we could walk some more and he could lick the insides of my cheeks again? I said no.