Moet anyone?

Sometimes after a bad date, I just wish I had one of these in my house

Mud Wrestling

My friend is a photographer who shoots a lot of corporate events.  She was recently at a trade show where she was asked by a middle aged gentleman who runs a charity where people fight to raise money for causes if she took photos of "women mud wrestling."  My friend just looked at this guy with an icy stare, and raised one eyebrow and said nothing. 

He replies "I guess not" and walks away. 

The Egomaniac Who Loves Jesus

I went out to eat at an Italian restaurant owned by my friend's father.  One of the waiters there was flirting with me, an older Italian gentleman whom I will call Gianni.  He seemed nice enough.  When we finished our meal, he gave me his number and I gave him mine.  He told me to call him, which I was fine with.

He calls me the next night to talk on the phone....except we didn't talk on the phone.  I listened as he yammers about himself for a half hour....a half hour...about his life, his ex wife, his 2 kids, how he came here from Italy 30 years ago and wanted to be an actor, but there was so much nepotism blah blah blah and how he works 60 hours a week and doesn't have any time for dating really, but he'll make an exception for me since when he saw me he saw a very pure heart and was astounded by my beauty and intelligence.  (thanks buddy, insincere flattery will get you nowhere !)  At the 20 minute mark, I actually put the phone down for a minute to get up and get something and when I came back HE WAS STILL TALKING !!!! He then proceeds to tell me how he was on the subway and a black woman (his words) read his palm and said a big love was on the way to him....and then he met me 3 days later.  OK........

Then finally at the 30 minute mark, he asks, "And what about you ?  Are you home watching TV ?"  By this point I'm already disgusted, as it's any of his business anyway what I'm doing at 7:30 on a Sunday evening.  So I say "No, I'm reading a book."  He then says he still wants to take me out to eat, and then asks if I will drive to Poughkeepsie as that is where he lives on the weekends to see his children.  So I say politely, no Manhattan is better for me but inwardly I am thinking there is no way in hell I'm driving to Poughkeepsie for a date with a raging egomaniac.  So we hang up the phone.

The next day I get this random text from him about a story about a squirrel that he saw on his way to work that morning and how it should remind me of the beauty of life.  I respond something trite like "how charming." 

Two days later, the night before Thanksgiving, Gianni calls me and asks "why have your text message replies been so stingy ?"  I say "Because I have been busy working."  But really, it's because I feel like this guy is a severe nut case.  He then asks me what I'm doing for Thanksgiving and I say I'm going at my aunt's and he invites me to Thanksgiving lunch with his kids.  Um, dude, NO !   tells me that if we date, he doesn't want to sleep with me immediately because he has too much respect for me.  How very gallant of him.  He then asks me if I believe in God.  I say "yes, why ?"  He says "I have to tell you something very important.  I am a Born Again Christian.  Will you have a problem with that ?"  I ask "what does a born again believe ?"  He then goes off on another rant about Jesus and how he is the Truth and the way and the Light.  Then he asks "are you ok with me being a born again ?"  And I reply "No, I'm sorry that won't work for me.  Good night."  I hang up the phone. 

I send him a text message saying "Good luck, I'm sure God will send you someone who is perfect for you.  Happy Thanksgiving."  He then writes back "Hey, cheer up !  I still want to take you out to a nice dinner because you have impressed me as being one (if not the only one) of the most wonderful, beautiful attractive, intelligent, smart and wise women on the planet.    Without hesitation, I confess it would be the greatest honor for me.  I'm positively sure you can rise to the challenge.  And no, I'm not trying to lead you on."  Well...ok.....I'm amazed that he knows this much about me since I BARELY SAID 10 WORDS TO THIS MAN OVER THE COURSE OF HIS EGOMANIACAL RAMBLINGS !

I don't respond.  Period.

24 hours later I get this text "Still smiling ?  I'm sorry to have disappointed you, but hey, look on the brighter side:  we can always be good friends.  What do you say ?"

Seriously ?????

I write back.   "Dude u didn't disappoint me.  Not going to work for me.  Good luck."

And there you have it, the egomaniac who loves Jesus.  

Flea Market

I make mistakes of letting people back into my life because I decide to give them the benefit of the doubt. I am on OKCupid and I get a message from some guy saying that OKC decided we have a 92% compatibility, and 0% enemy potential. I took this as flirting and replied, "well what do you think?" His response was "Just friends?" I ignore thinking what was the point of this guy even messaging me, such a huge waste of time.

10 months later I get a message from him again. He likes my new pictures, he hasn't heard from me in a while, he wasn't ready to date before but now he is. I say to myself fine, he sucked before but I will give him another chance. We set a date to get together.

He calls me to ask if I want to walk around at an antique Flea market type thing in the city, I am reluctant at first since I am not feeling too well and could easily cancel because I am not in the mood to socialize, but i decide against it and he picks me up from my apartment. Conversation is good, he is dressed nicely, he makes me laugh and the flea market idea is a big hit. We walk around for a bit but he has pre-informed me that he has to be somewhere so he cant stay for long. I agree since I don't feel well anyways. He drops me off at home, I awkwardly sit in his car and don't know what to do so i thank him and get out.

That was Sunday. Tuesday comes along and after not hearing from him I get a text message asking me how my week is going. He knew I met friends for indian food, asked how it was and we flirted a bit but it was not more than a 10 text back and forth and then it stops. No big deal. Thursday comes along and I have no idea whats going on, so I text him asking whats up, we chat for 3 seconds and then it stops. All my friends tell me to just leave it until he calls me to ask me out again.

On Monday morning, I have not heard from him so I send him an emal that more-or-less says "are we going out again?" No response for a couple of hours. I take a lunch break with my coworker when my phone buzzes and I have a text from this guy. It says "no." Confused, I write back "No what?" and he responds 20 minutes later "No more dating." Shocked I show it to my coworker and we are both speechless. Is this how a guy lets you down? Has he not heard of full sentences? Don't get me wrong, I can handle rejection but rejection so rude like this and so abrupt just floored me. Seven hours later I decide I can't hold my tongue and I text him back saying that I think he could have been a little more classy and good riddance. Obviously I did not hear back.

Oddly enough, after Hurricane Sandy, a month and a bit after our conversation, I get a text from this guy asking if I was Ok. I responded Yes and left it at that. --------LA

Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

So I had gone on a date with this guy, lets call him C. Great date, he picked me up, we drove to brooklyn, walked the boardwalk on Coney Island and then got coffee at some cafe. Great. He calls me to set up another date, we call it for 7pm he will pick me up. I get dressed, a whole to-do, and am sitting in my apt ready at 7. Nothing. 7:30, nothing. 8, nothing. I am texting him and i dont get a response. Finally at around 815 he calls me to tell me hes really sorry, hes running late at work, hell be done soon. (Why didn't he call me earlier? who knows) so i decided instead of waiting anxiously in my apartment alone, I will go to my friends across the street and hang out. It gets to be 930 and I still haven't heard from him, I text him being like wtf? and hes still at work. Finally around 10 he says to me, ok I am going to leave in 15 minutes I can be by you at 1045. I said no thanks, have a good night. I am livid.

Fast forward two years later.

Somehow we start emailing again and talking and realizing we have a lot in common and why didn't it work out? Oh yeah, he totally flaked on me. We email back and forth for a week and he asks me out. I said sure. (Why not just try it out, right?) I tell him to come over around 7 again. I get dressed am running kind of late so when its 7 and I don't hear from him I am a little happy. (Also, since I am late for things a lot, I always give the guy some leeway). It's 740 and I still havent heard from him so I text asking him whats up? And he says he's running late but he is on his way. Twenty minutes later he calls me to tell me he got lost but he will be there soon (Apparently he lives in Brooklyn and still doesn't know how to go over the bridge to Manhattan.) Twenty minutes later I get a text from him that hes on 110 and Central Park West and will see me soon. So he's outside of my building in his car, hes an hour and a half late and I am so angry, but I decide to go out anyways. (MY MISTAKE).

I get in the car and say hi and he doesn't at all apologize. He starts talking about how he made a wrong turn and doesn't usually drive in the city and then says "OK, where do you want to go?" So I say, "oh, I don't really mind, where do you want to go?" He responds "I was so busy trying to figure out how to get here that I didn't even think of something to do, so since you live here, just tell me where to drive." I am livid. I hate when guys do this. So I tell him to turn onto CPW and figure Ill just stall for time. We get to the Columbus Circle area and I say, oh we can stop here and walk around inside, its nice. So we park, walking and there must have been some Jewish concert there because there are a million Brooklyn and Queen's frummies walking out. So I take him upstairs to the bar/lounge and say "Do you want to go here?" And he says "No, Its too loud and dark for me, where else?" so in my annoyance I say "OK, lets walk around."

I take him to a Starbucks across the street and he and I walk up to the counter and he looks completely confused as to what to order. Hes asking the lady about what tea they have and doesn't understand the Starbucks lingo (who doesn't know what a grande is?) Then he gets awkward about paying for my tea and I decide I am just going to play dumb since its probably $2 total. We sit down and have some awkward conversation and 5 minutes in the Starbucks is closing and we get kicked out.

I take the guy to the hotel nearby and we sit across from each other in a loud lounge couch area, instead of him sitting next to me, and I am having the hardest time hearing him, but it doesn't matter that much because he is talking about weather patterns and his concern for the drought in Israel. I finally make it seem like I am super tired and yawn loudly and suggest that we should go when he says, "why? I like this place!" I insist on leaving and he reluctantly gets up and we walk to the car and he drives me home. In front of my apartment he doesn't really say much so I chatter on for a while because I feel awkward and then he makes a move for a hug and it doesn't work bc we both still have our seatbelts on. I laugh nervously say goodbye and run up the stairs in horror.  ---- LA

When I say let's grab dinner....

.... I don't mean let's go to the deli counter at the bodega.

Don't get me wrong, the existence of bodegas makes my life so much better, but when I think date night, a stale buttered roll, 50 cent bag of chips and a can of diet coke does NOT make my heart flutter.

A good cat call...

...goes a long way when a girl isn't feeling totally on her game.

Bring it on boys!!