To all of you matchmakers out there:

There are certain traits that you need to warn people about when describing a potential match. One of these is a FACIAL TIC or SPASM.

Granted you may not want to scare off a potential date but having that creep up on you and then happen continuously is soooo not cool.

It's really hard not to laugh when this happens and you are not prepared for it.

We have fraud in common........

I was once at a concert with some friends at Irving Plaza. I want to say it was Idan Raichel or Matisyahu or something similar. Anyway, I was enjoying the concert, dancing, having a couple drinks and my friends saw some people they knew. Not all too shocking considering the Heeb nature of the show. I, of course, ended up chatting with some Brooklyn hocker guy within the group, who I thought was the bees knees.

The whole group ended up hanging out at the show and then moving the party to our friends' apt a few blocks away, since they have roof access off of their apt.All seemed fantastic at this point and I had no reservations when my BK hocker asked for my number.

We spoke on/off for a week or two via text and phone and made a date for 2 weeks later, since I was travelling for work.

Day of the date arrived and I was all excited, until we met up and I realized that for some reason I remembered him being wayyyyy better looking. But, we had had a bunch of great conversations, and I didn't want to be rude so we proceeded with our date.

He made reservations at La Marais, so I knew this was gonna be a long date. As is normal for a date, the topic of what each of us did for a living came up to which I responded that I was a fraud investigator, and described what I do. (RED FLAG ALERT) When I finished telling him what I do, he proceeded to tell me about the types of schemes and frauds he and his boss do. Like "hey, you investigate fraud, that's amazing, cause I commit fraud! We should totally go out again!" Really, buddy? Really?

So we finished dinner, finally, and he wanted to go somewhere else. I made up some excuse to go home and (RED FLAG ALERT) on my way home he called and left me a voicemail asking me how he could go about wiping a hard drive to cover something up.

IDIOT!

Have you ever heard of Capitale?

So this is an oldie, but a goodie. By far, the worst dating experience I have ever had... and I've had a few.

It all starts with my grandmother. She calls me up to tell me that she has heard (not seen, not met, but heard) about a terrific guy from one of her friends. No doubt one of her friend's grandsons with many "wonderful" qualities. She tells me that she arranged for him to get my phone number and he will call me.

I tried to explain that she has to run things by me first. That I don't just go out with a "bris and a pulse" and that she can't just give my number out. Thankfully, the guy didn't call and I thought I had made my point. Clearly, I did not.

A while later, I got another call from my grandmother who tells me about a lovely law school dropout who is the grandson of a friend. She tells me that now that she has run it by me, she will give him my number. You don't know my grandmother, but when she says things like this in a certain tone of voice, arguing is pointless. I tried and I failed. He was calling.

It was about a week before the beginning of my first-year law school exams (ironic, right?) and he calls. He introduces himself in the thickest Brooklyn accent you have ever heard. The beginning of the conversation went something like this (Please read his part with a Brooklyn accent, the parentheticals are my thoughts):

Him: "Hey, it's ____. My grandmother told me to call you. " (Oh, crap)

Me: "Oh, hi. How are you?"

Him: "I'm ok. I never do things like this. This is so weird."

Me: "If you're uncomfortable, it's ok. We don't have to go out or anything." (Please, please don't ask me to. You sound horrible.)

Him: "I'm only calling because my grandmother made me and I don't want to upset her." (Wow, awesome)

Me: "Well, like I said, we don't have to go out or anything." (Please let me out of this gracefully)

Him: "It's not like I even talk to my grandmother or anything." (Wow- what a catch) [BTW- this line I remember distinctly. You don't forget a line like that.]

Me: "I'm about to start finals. How about this: If you want to go out or talk, call me around Christmas and we can figure it out. If not, just let me know what you want me to say and I'll say it. If you want me to tell my grandmother we went out and you're a great guy, but not for me, I will do it."

Him: "How do I know you can pull that off?" (OMG! He's insane!)

Me: "Don't worry about me. I can pull that off."

Him: "I don't know... I don't want to insult my grandmother..." (Is this the grandmother he never speaks to? Also, why is he suddenly interested? Because I'm not?)

Me: "Like I said: If you want to go out.... if not...."

This went on for a few minutes and I won't bore you with it, but in the end I finally got him off the phone.

Evan though I told him to call around Christmas, around two weeks later, the phone rings. I ask him why he's calling so soon and we get into a minor argument about when I told him to call back. Then this prize asks me out. I decide to go to just end this and appease my grandmother and arrange to have him pick me up on a Saturday night so I could at least get a ride into the city... minor upside.

He picks me up, he's not great and the conversation is horrible. He takes me to a decent restaurant though and I think I can get through this. I should have realized how bad it was going to be.

Among the highlights:

1. He asks me if I have ever heard of this new club "Capitale". Even though I tell him that I had been there (and in the VIP room) the prior week, he insists on going on and on about how his friend owns or runs it and desribing it in detail. I must have said, "I know, I was there" about ten times.

2. He is so rude to the waiter that I act overly polite and apologetic to the staff. He then asks me why I am saying thank you and please so many times. When I tell him that I am trying to be polite, he explains that in order to be polite, you only need to say it once or twice. Wonderful lesson in etiquette. Thank you, Date.

3. He complains about law school and how horrible it is and explains at length why he's so glad he left. Did I mention that I was in law school at the time?

4. Whenever I asked about his job he goes (remember your heavy Brooklyn accent please): "It's business, it's business" and waves the questions off with his hand. Then he tells me about Capitale again.

5. When I return from the bathroom he asks me how many girlfriends I called to talk about the date. Ok, so I called one and bitched, but who wouldn't?

And here comes the best part - when we leave and I'm so hapy to be going he wants to show me a surprise. Despite my fierce objections, he drives in the opposite direction from my apartment. I'm freaking out and thinking I'm being kidnapped when he pulls over somewhere downtown. I look up and I see - CAPITALE! He says, "see, this is what I was talking about." I yell, "I KNOW, I WAS THERE LAST WEEK."

The end. Of my story and the relationship... tear.

milk

I once went on a date with a guy who suggested that we meet at starbucks. ok, not so creative for a date but that is fine. He had gotten there before me and had ordered a cup of milk. no cookies, nothing else, just milk. "I am not really a coffee person" he said. Um, so why did you choose starbucks?

Then he spent the rest of the night telling me that his isn't gay.

Lizards in Paris

During a recent solo trip through Europe, I came across an outdoor concert near Hotel de Ville in Paris. It was about 10pm and after a lovely meal of onion soup I was ready to return to my hostel and go to sleep. I was approached by a fellow in French, which I don't speak, and we had a sort of conversation in his broken English. He asked if I wanted to go to the concert, I replied no, I was tired, and he told me to call him. Um, we don't speak the same language. SO I gave him my email address.

The next evening he wrote to me, and we arranged to meet up the following evening. So we meet up, and start to walk. and walk. and walk. Now, I love walking, and Paris is the best place for it. but two hours later I was like "is this guy going to take me for a drink?" He kept on pointing out restaurants and bars and saying how good they were. OK. But no, we kept walking. At this point it was already 9 pm and I was starving.

Before I know it, he is like "oh. look, we are outside my apartment. Come up and meet my cat." I refused. He asked again, and was like "come up for five minutes" and I was like "uh. ok" like a big dumbass. To his credit, he didn't lay a finger on me.

While he was in the bathroom, I did a little looking around, and noticed plastic bins on his bookshelf. There were about five of them. and inside? LIZARDS. He collected lizards. Many of them. Creepy. And he wanted me to hold one.

In any case, I insisted we leave, and then guess what? we walked and walked some more. for another TWO HOURS. I was like truly what is the deal with this guy? We found ourselves on the banks of the Siene, and sat in a hammock. Such a romantic scene, right? No. He was the worst kisser in the history of kissing. Tried to swallow my head whole. Gross.

So he walked me back to the hostel, and asked to see me again the next night. So we could walk some more and he could lick the insides of my cheeks again? I said no.

To whom it may concern,

Please do not make me assume you have money and a good job then show up to a date with a grey tooth and lazy eye, which you should have had the money to fix. Also if my 6 yr old niece weighs more than you, you can pretty much assume I will not be going on a second date with your manorexic behind.

Some men feel the need to tell me about their entire medical histories on our first date. I recently had a guy who dropped out of med school for "personal reasons", spend the next 3 hours telling me about his meds and ailments. This was only broken up by him telling me about his family issues including a crazy sister who, and this was the topper, he and his family were basically just waiting to kill herself. A. Who says that????? B. Who says that on a first date????


What is wrong with people?

I don't understand men who feel the need to tell me their weird physical likes and dislikes. I had a guy today try and have a full conversation online with me about my calves. Asked me if I had more photos since he finds larger muscular calves a huge turn on....

Courtesy of Aliza Trencher

For those that didn't see this as a reponse to one of the earlier posts, I thought it was totally worth reposting. Thanks Ladies for your war stories! - SK

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OOOOhhhh here's a goody!

To make a (very) long story (very) short - he comes to pick me up and since he's not from NY (but here visiting) he told me to pick the place. I picked a cute Israeli style cafe local in Brooklyn where a meal ranges between 12-15 on average and he spent the first 30 hour going on and on about how expensive the food was! He insulted the waitress the whole meal, complained about the food, the service and everything else he could think of.

2. After eating our meal we were going to see a movie. I should have called it a night after his despicable display or lacking any sort of manners, but I really wanted to see the movie so I thought ok ill go to the movie and then call it. We get to the theatre and he tells me "I'm going to park. Get out. Get on line and buy the tickets. I paid for dinner this ones on you"

3. Halfway through the movie he leans over and whispers (out of nowhere) "you have beautiful breasts" I tried to pretend I was so into the movie I didn't notice but it started to be hard to ignore after he went onto "Do you want me?" EEWWW no I don't shut up and go away!

4. At the end of the night.. he was dropping me off and so I told him "Well I had a great time (not really.. but what can you do) but I just don't think were compatible. So I want to thank you for the date and I wish you luck" and his response was "well then since we aren't going to date lets just have some fun" And then I said "no. I don't want to have "fun" with you. The truth is I just think you're a very nice person at all." And to this he answers "oh God this again??? Why do women always tell me this Bullsh*t"

I left out a LOT because I can write a book about this pig but just to add one more highlight... the next morning he texts me "I want to make love to you"

Seriously??

If you can't afford to date....at least be creative

I am not saying I am a jap or snob (all the time at least) but I do expect that the first couple of dates to be treated. Even when I offer to pay my share or the tab in whole, the answer should be no!

Now, this especially holds true when my date picks a location that for all intents and purposes will require SOME sort of payment.

I went on a date with a guy, who on date #1 seemed really cool. We went to a bar on the UES, had appetizers and a couple of drinks and he payed without any thought about it all. He even wanted to continue the date and go somewhere else after...which I politely declined, thinking lets keep the date short and simple while it's still good.

The next week we planned to go on date #2, which he chose to be a Sunday day date at the Museum of Natural History. I arrive at the museum at 2:00pm as scheduled and when we get inside, I recall that I get Corporate discounts so we go up to that line and look at all the options for the museum. Do we just do the museum? Do we do IMAX? Light show? Special Exhibits??

We discuss it for a few minutes at the counter and he basically says he's up to doing whatever I want. I figured lets do it up, how often am I at the museum? The price for the full package was $26 per person. At this point, my gentleman of a date says "ummm so I got $17 to my name"..... this boy had no cash beyond that, doesn't own credit or debit cards or any other form of currency.

I should have said something like "well why dont we do something else then?" or he should have said "why dont we do the basics first?" and maybe not tell me just how broke he was....but whatever i was all excited for the museum and I shelled over the difference and paid for myself and the difference of his ticket....

Later on, we took an air break and he walked over to the hot dog cart and started riffling through his pockets looking for spare change to buy a hot dog. The generous person I am said "I got it!" and paid for the dog. At that point I decided to ask him if he had no more money how he was gonna eat that night......"Mom is ordering chinese for us" was the answer to that.

Suffice it to say DATE #2 was the last date.........

If you cant afford to go out thats fine, but then plan a cheap date. There are plenty of things to do in NYC that require no more than $17 and I wouldnt have had to feel bad the whole time.

If your date asks at the end of the night "soooo are we gonna make out or what?", take that as a sign of bad things to come!

The Gay Grandfather

So for those of you who don't know me I started my dating years in Mexico City, where going on blind dates is about as routine as changing your underwear...

So this guy calls me and we agree to go out the next day. When he picked me up my initial thought was..."is there something off about this guy?" That should have been Red Flag #1. If you sense something is off in the first 10 seconds you still have enough time to run back inside. I went against my better instincts and whet out to dinner with this guy.

As soon as I saw him in the light I realized he looked significantly older than me. I was 19 he seemed closer to 43! Yikes!! RED FLAG #2. If he looks like he was in your fathers graduating class... call the police, there must be some law against that!

At dinner in an attempt to make conversation I asked him what sports he likes, cuz what guy doesn't like sports? Apparently this one! he responds to me by saying "I don't like sports, I'm like the gay friend that doesn't like sports." which brings me to RED FLAG #3 If the guy you are on a date with tells you he is like a gay anything... run! he somehow managed to use the "I'm like the gay friend" line 3 more times during dinner. It was then that I really noticed his outfit: A vertical bright rainbow stripped button down shirt (first 3 buttons...unbuttoned) True Religion jeans that could have been painted on him and brown loafers.... RED FLAG #4 If the guy is not only making verbal references to being gay but wearing them as well... that's your queue to run if there ever was one!

When your date says "is it okay if we start out the date by picking up my sister and mom from the airport? don't worry it shouldn't take too long and then we can start our real date"..... RUN!

Date #2 shouldn't have to top jail visit on Date #1

I'll summarize this one in a couple of lines.

Date #1 ended with my date and I at Central Booking in downtown Brooklyn, bailing out his best friend who was picked up for Attempted Grand Theft Auto.

I know you won't be surprised by this but I ended up dating this winner for six months.....(hey, if nothing more it was definitely a uniquely exciting and mildly dangerous relationship)

'Roid Rager

Note to self do not date any guy that can't put his arms down in full due to body building.

Met a hot guy who was a bodybuilder by hobby and thought it would be a hot date. We went to a local bar that played live music and were having a great conversation. He ordered ONE scotch that he kept sipping and I had a drink or two. So far so good, right?

RED FLAG #1: Every so often my date had to excuse himself to go to the bathroom, which he attributed to the "vitamins" he was taking for his workouts. After about an hour or so, we decide that maybe we should leave that bar and go elsewhere.

RED FLAG #2: We walked out of the bar and my next red flag occurred as he stumbled upon getting outside. I tried to push it aside in my head and we began walking together.

RED FLAG #3: As we got a few blocks down, my lovely date began puking on the sidewalk. Now I know some people are lightweights but come on!! He was a big dude and he had ONE drink. At this point, I have to figure out what to do with my retching date, and I remember some benches/seating area a block or two away and I practically carry him there.

We get to the benches where he proceeds to nod off and practically pass out in between episodes of throwing up and trying to kiss me which was disgusting.

So I am sitting there and it's getting later and later and I because I am nice I refuse to leave him on a bench to then get mugged or worse.......

Oops I forgot to mention that he drove in for the date from Queens to Manhattan.

Any who, it is now approaching 1 or 2am and I am trying to figure out what do with this guy and i decide that I am going to take his keys....cause clearly I am sober by then....go walk to his car by myself and drive it over to where we are sitting. After I do that I carry my dead weight of a date and throw him into the backseat of his car so he can at least sleep it off. I walk myself home and wonder WTF?!

RED FLAG #4:  Nope the story doesn't end there. The next day I receive a voicemail, because duh I am not answering the phone for this fool, wherein he goes on to apologize for puking and that he had "pre-gamed" before he DROVE in from queens. So not only was he drunk when he got there, he drove drunk, and then asked if we could go out again since the date had gone badly.

Suffice it to say I never called him back.

My First Memory of a Crazy Date

Back in college I had an early foray into online dating. I had spent a couple of nights talking to a guy who I thought seemed cool and we decided finally to make a date.

2 days later, when he came to pick me up, I already knew this would not be a dream date. I truly enjoy when pictures don't match reality.

I get in the car and begin to already ponder when this date can be over. We begin driving along and he decides to drive what I later learned was his ex's dorm. How, you ask, did I learn that? Oh well it was when he told me he wanted to check if "the car he bought the b****h was there!" (CLASSY!)

At that point I remembered that I made plans to go to the gym with my roommate and asked him to drive me home.

7 min in hell

I had been talking to a guy online for a couple of years. We never met because he live in Arizona, while I lived in NYC. A couple of months back, we re-connected via IM and text and it turned out he not only moved to NYC for medical school but he moved 2 buildings down from me.

One night, we are texting and it gets to be around 10:00pm and he says, "hey, since we live next door to each other, why don't we just meet up right now and go for a walk or something? you know, just to meet finally!" I figured "sure, why not?"

The plan was to meet in front of his building at 11:00pm.

I get my makeup on. Get some cute shoes on and throw together a casual but clearly well planned outfit. (you never know).

I walk next door and when he comes out, he CLEARLY had not thought to change out of whatever he was wearing. Fine he's a guy i can deal with that. We walk down the block, chatting about nothingness, get to the corner and he decides we should turn around and go somewhere back in the direction we came from. I think "ok whatever"

As we begin approaching to pass my building he says "sooooo don't you want to show me your apt?" to which i don't even look at him as I roll my eyes and respond "ummm no".

Apparently that was not the answer he was hoping for since the next words out of his mouth were "oh ok, well have a good night then" and kept on walking home.

Within 7 min of leaving my apt I was back home.....2 min later though I received a text from him continuing the text conversation we had prior to meeting up, as of the 7 minutes never happened.

I think my favorite reaction to this date was my friends husband saying "well if the date was 7 min, and he wanted to come up, just imagine the 30 seconds of pleasure you could have experienced"

..... and on that note Welcome to My Serial Dating Life!