Dating in today's time is way different from when our parents were held for auction to the highest bid or even from ten years ago, when people still met in public and were not afraid to be approached by another individual to spark a conversation. Current times revolve around the digital space. I barely see any of my friends letting me know that they a really good guy for me to meet and introduce us. If the connection did not happen via some sort of dating app platform, than you never met.The internet even has found ways for people to find friends via online (eg. Bumble BFF). Seriously, it is truly sad, but, at the same time "Mad Genius".
With evolution to this digital life there are pros and cons. Let me provide you a short list. Preface, these are just my opinions. I am not speaking for anyone but myself. You all can formulate your own opinion.
Pros:
- Creates a larger network/pool of possible dates from your original circle of friends.
- You no longer truly have to go through a blind date. Profiles/pictures are easily accessible to give you a glimpse of who you are about to be sitting across on your date.
- I can date anywhere around the world with a swipe of a screen. (From vacations to a business trip, I've had my share of dates and company out for dinner and drinks.)
- Filter your options to your preferences of an ideal match. (If you want a 6'2'', brown hair, blue eyes, Brooklyn Hipster, that plays the Kazoo; then Amen, filter away to narrow your search.)
- If your mother asks if you are dating, you can easily show your cell phone full of various dating apps that you are on. You can even have her swipe for you.
Cons:
- Your judging a book by its cover way too fast, even before you meet up.
- One wrong swipe to the left, and you've lost your chances of seeing if there was a mutual interest.
- WAY WAY WAY TOO MANY OPTIONS- Guys (and even girls) have developed a mentality that they have an exuberant amount of choices. And so, if there is at least one minor flaw in the person they had a date with, they just move onto the next one.
- GHOSTING- Enough said there. (I could go on about this one, but I am sure you all have had a fair share of stories that either someone has ghosted you and you have ghosted others.)
I wish this was not just my thought process, but check out this article in the Huffington Post. I think this hits the nail on the head regarding the current dating market of mine. Four Reasons Why You Can't Find a Nice Jewish Boy (My brother sent me this article and it just verified my current situation.)
The current question on everyone's mind in the single pool, how does one find love? Let's rephrase this. How does one find someone who likes you and wants to see you on an ongoing basis, that after 3 dates does not go running off to the next person on their dating app list that they matched with? Well I have a few tips and suggestions to help you continue your search for the "one".
Tips for Millenial Dater
- Most Important Thing I Could Tell You: Never give up hope. Things in life happen for a reason. The reason you are currently single is that it is meant to be and that greatness is coming. (I just can't tell you when, but it will happen, you will know it and everything will work out for the reasons that they do. There is a time and place for everything.)
- 2nd Most Important Thing:Work on yourself. While you have time to peruse the dating apps for potential suitors, you might as well also spend time perfecting yourself. This will be the only time that you can truly work on making yourself a better version of yourself without having to divide your focus on another individual. Take the time to workout, read, write, pick up a new hobby, build your career, venture out into the world solo and just do things that make YOU happy. I can go on and on about how my personal life as a single millenial adult in these times has been amazing. From transforming my body image/weight; to my ups and downs in my pharmaceutical career; to my adventures of travel; to the crazy dates I have had around the world. You do things to keep you busy and make them fun. Yes, you will have times that you think, "Ugh, I wish I had someone to do this with." But, you shouldn't worry about that. You are on your own pace in life and no one elses. So make the best of it. YOLO!
- Evolve with the time. Everyone is currently on the dating app bandwagon and it has come to existence with the evolution of the digital era. I tried to stay away from it for quite some time and eventually swallowed my pride and joined the circus. (Haha. That is the best way to describe the dating app pool. It is a circus full of varieties of acts. Spread yourself out on a few key dating apps that suit you. Yes, it may feel like work a bit and it is. No one said life comes easy. Everything involves a bit of work. Also, try to keep up with the dating app trends. Try out different apps and give it some time to see what type of people are also using them. As much as you will see the same folks across all platforms there may be a few newbies that you had not seen before. You'd be surprised that many times I may had not matched with someone on one app but on a different they were more likely to match and even reach out and start a conversation.
- Pictures speak value. Everyone is quick to judge a book by its cover, so it is important to have a really good photo that stands out. I'm not saying you have to pose nude or be super provocative in your photos, but they need to be clear, concise, and truthful to who you are. You don't need to have 30 photos posted. No more than 5 photos and most of them of just you. I personally can not stand when the first photo I see is a group photo of 5 guys. (Soooo, which one am I going to go out with?) Your profile photo should be a recent single full body shot of you. Another photo should be you being active or a hobby you enjoy doing. Their should be some diversity in your pictures to show different sides of your character. Yes, this also means ever so often you need to update your profile photos to keep your profile up to date. If you must have a group photo, limit it to only one and it can not be your main profile picture.
- Put some effort into yourself. I know we can all get stuck in this rut of going on one off dates that lead no where and so you stop caring about how you look. You think, that the other person should like you for who you are. You need to put your mindset that you never know if this one date can lead to something greater. So, with that said, put some effort in that day to what your appearance is. A nice outfit (for both sexes) and a touch of make up (for females) can just add a bit of "oomph". Also, ladies, I know when I put on a sexy lingerie set, it brings my mood up and makes me shine from the outside as well. I am not saying you are going to show it off to the guy that first date, but, it does allow me to be a bit more confident, sexy, and flirty. Guys, please do not come in your gym clothing to the date. Try to be presentable. Keep it simple with clean jeans or slacks with a button down and a blazer. Effort needs to be made from both parties.
- Get out of the same dating rut. Organize a fun date. I've gone through the motions like everyone else. The first date, we grab drinks after work somewhere convenient for the both of you. If there is commonality and the conversation is flowing, then we move drinks into dinner. If there is a next date, then we may end up doing the same thing over and over for sometime We may even "Netflix and Chill" back at one of the apartments. Well, I am tired of the alcohol and food (Even though how does one say no to yummy drinks and tasty food with good company). People, let's get creative. A date does not always have to revolve around boozing and getting a bit tipsy so we can be relaxed and in the zone for inhibition. Obviously the first few dates you are getting to know each other so you want to have an opportunity to hear each other's life stories, wants and needs. Well, that can be done in various settings with or without alcohol. Make it fun and interesting instead of the same old boring spots that are conveniently close to your apartments. Venture out and explore your neighboring neighborhoods. Take the opportunity to get out of your comfort zones. Find a commonality or something you both have not done before, or even something you want to show the other person that you enjoy. A date does not need to be expensive. It should be creative or at least showing you are trying to put some effort and thought behind it. If you can not think of anything, here are a few suggestions:
- Walk the HighLine or any neighborhood with a cup of coffee or scoop of gelato. (Totally cheap but impressive).
- Go to a jazz club (Subrosa has latin jazz, Rose Bar at the Gramercy Hotel and The Django Room at the Roxy Hotel gets some great jazz groups like Brian Newman coming through their doors several times a week.)
- Head over to Chelsea Piers for some swings on the Golf Range or take up some Rocking Climbing. (Show them how you can handle physical activity will get you both charged for other physical activity if it progresses)
- Get a table at a Comedy Club. (Every night of the week there are varieties of comedy shows going on from Comedy Cellar to the Upright Citizens Brigade etc.)
- Spend time during the day like a Sunday brunch or riding a bike or checking out a museum or walking through a street fair. (Seeing someone during the day vs. night changes plenty. You may actually see what they look like for once. Haha...Usually we are sitting in a dimly lit setting, so you may not notice something about their physical appearance or even personality that may catch your attention.
- Give people a chance. This is quite hard to do with this digital time we are living in currently. We swipe left waayyy too fast, and many times before reading their profiles. We are all at fault for doing this. We are judging people too quickly and moving on before the other person has a chance to prove you wrong. Just because they have a deviated septum and make an odd breathing sound, does not mean their personality is genuine and they care for you in a way someone had not previously. Just because he may not have an ideal job you expected your partner to have, does not mean down the road, he may miraculously get that promotion or invent a crazy new device that will have him rolling in dollars and sailing the Mediterranean in a luxury yacht. NO ONE IS PERFECT. EVERYONE HAS FLAWS. A profile is just a few words to wet our palates. The true test will be to meet in person and take it from there. Ask your parents about when they dated, and how they still fell in love with their spouses despite certain flaws. How did they deal with the pet peeves or annoying habits or career hiccups? They worked through them and made compromises for each other. Our generation has to stop having so many deal breakers. You need to have a few that are just serious deal breakers and the rest are just minor things you can deal with.
- Be Yourself! There is no point of pretending to be someone who you are not. Make sure you keep your profile honest and truthful about you. We all like to go on vacations and frolic on a beach than work. I get it, but maybe you should also add in your profile that you like to ride a unicycle and play the saxophone. When your on your date, stick to being you and not liking everything they say. If your a Republican and he is a Democrat, that's okay. Opposites attract. Eventually the other person will see past the act. You will be lucky if they question it and stay with you. Most will just walk away and move onto the next one because there is plenty for the picking in this digital market. They will be a few swipes away from finding their next dinner date.
There you have it. I, myself, try to stick to these tips. I have seen some great changes in my dating history when I apply a lot of this in my life. I have some other dating tips that I'll give you at a future times, but I felt these sum up a good chunk in the problem I see in today's dating game.
So, take the time to reassess what you want at the moment. Update your profiles a tad to sound more like yourself and less like everyone else. When you snag a mutual swipe and begin conversation, move it to meeting in person and take the time to dress up and be in a good mood. You never know where it can lead to. Don't get discouraged if the date was not ideal. Give people the benefit of the doubt and give it another date. Maybe the second date you will learn something more about them that you did not discover the first night. And if you mutually agree it did not work out, than you can be at peace and move on to further swiping. Don't ghost them after the date. Have some respect for the person.
Good luck to all in this current dating pool, and may the odds be ever in your favor!
Besos,
Ilana
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